It seems that I’ve been in a war lately with so many people. It’s either that they don’t know me or how to take me or they have their own insecurities that they need to work out. It could possibly be both! I sometimes don’t understand why people think that I’m so difficult to understand or what? And all I can do is sit there and try to understand where they are coming from… I guess I just know myself.
But anyways… on that course… I was reading my book called the Song of Songs by Jeanne Guyon. It’s amazing. It’s like every chapter or little insert about every part of the Song of Songs just grasps me and pulls me in! It’s like it’s describing my life! Really it is! I can’t imagine a better book for me right now!
And so it says: From Song of Solomon Chp 1 vs. 8
“I have compared you, my love,to my company of horsemen in Pharoah’s chariots.”
How romantic… not!! I can not see how this sentence could be more lame! Really… the love of my life is comparing me to a company of horsemen? What? It needs to be something like the most beautiful ocean or something… really! this? why?
And so Jeanne Guyon gives her interpretation: her allegory… and it goes like this:
The Bridegroom knows perfectly well that all the compliments He lavishes upon you, far from making you vain, only deepen your death to self. He praises you so that your Love may grow.
I read that… and was like- deep! that’s so deep! Really it is. But what does it have to do with a company of horsemen?
Then she says:
He desires a course so swift and sure for you that only you can be compared to a whole company of riders running toward Him at full speed. Yet while you are here on earth He has hidden you by causing you to look like the chariots of Pharoah. You who run so swiftly after Him often appear to be on an erratic course. *erratic: not even or regular in pattern or movement; unpredictable or deviating from the normal or conventional in behavior or opinions
Man, this woman’s revelation just astounds me! It’s exactly as it should be- to me of course. I was like.. If I look at it this way… I can see that the Lord notices my race. He notices my behavior and he understands my desire to run after Him and only Him. Who cares if someone thinks differently of me… or thinks that I’m not on the course that I should be. God says I am. He says that I’m in a race and he compares me to all those who are running hard after Him.
Jeanne goes on to say: “The truth is that you are running toward God, and your race shall end in God alone. Nothing shall stand in the way of your safe arrival. God will supply you with His strength and faithfulness.”
And that’s the truth! It’s the truth about my life… whether I’m a wife, a mom, I go to IHOP… The truth about my life… I’m running after God. With all that I am… I’m running towards Him and only Him. And if people can’t see that- I pray that they do. I pray that their eyes are opened to the call on my life. God knows my heart. He has been living in my heart all my life. Esp when I was 5 yrs old and I asked him to come live inside me and take away my sins… all through a construction paper heart and my sunday school teacher. I’ve been in this race for over 20 years. And I’m not gonna stop. B/c in the end… it’s gonna be worth it all! It’s gonna be worth all the condemnation… B/c I choose Jesus! I choose God. And He will supply me with strength and faithfulness. Everyday… He supplies me with what I need.
I’m tired of trying to prove myself, of trying to be friends with people who don’t care. I’m tired of thinking things would be better if it were different. I’m tired of all the lies and gossip. I’m tired of it all… I’m running the race of God. Not of this world. Even in my erratic behavior… It’s God who made me the way I am. He made me to be a leader, a forerunner. And I’m ready.