It seems that I’ve been in a war lately with so many people. It’s either that they don’t know me or how to take me or they have their own insecurities that they need to work out. It could possibly be both! I sometimes don’t understand why people think that I’m so difficult to understand or what? And all I can do is sit there and try to understand where they are coming from… I guess I just know myself.

But anyways… on that course… I was reading my book called the Song of Songs by Jeanne Guyon. It’s amazing. It’s like every chapter or little insert about every part of the Song of Songs just grasps me and pulls me in! It’s like it’s describing my life! Really it is! I can’t imagine a better book for me right now!

And so it says: From Song of Solomon Chp 1 vs. 8

“I have compared you, my love,to my company of horsemen in Pharoah’s chariots.”

How romantic…  not!! I can not see how this sentence could be more lame! Really… the love of my life is comparing me to a company of horsemen? What? It needs to be something like the most beautiful ocean or something… really! this? why?

And so Jeanne Guyon gives her interpretation: her allegory… and it goes like this:

The Bridegroom knows perfectly well that all the compliments He lavishes upon you, far from making you vain, only deepen your death to self. He praises you so that your Love may grow.

I read that… and was like- deep! that’s so deep! Really it is. But what does it have to do with a company of horsemen?

Then she says:

He desires a course so swift and sure for you that only you can be compared to a whole company of riders running toward Him at full speed. Yet while you are here on earth He has hidden you by causing you to look like the chariots of Pharoah. You who run so swiftly after Him often appear to be on an erratic course.  *erratic: not even or regular in pattern or movement; unpredictable or  deviating from the normal or conventional in behavior or opinions

Man, this woman’s revelation just astounds me! It’s exactly as it should be- to me of course. I was like.. If I look at it this way… I can see that the Lord notices my race. He notices my behavior and he understands my desire to run after Him and only Him. Who cares if someone thinks differently of me… or thinks that I’m not on the course that I should be. God says I am. He says that I’m in a race and he compares me to all those who are running hard after Him.

Jeanne goes on to say: “The truth is that you are running toward God, and your race shall end in God alone. Nothing shall stand in the way of your safe arrival. God will supply you with His strength and faithfulness.”

And that’s the truth! It’s the truth about my life… whether I’m a wife, a mom, I go to IHOP… The truth about my life… I’m running after God. With all that I am… I’m running towards Him and only Him. And if people can’t see that- I pray that they do. I pray that their eyes are opened to the call on my life. God knows my heart. He has been living in my heart all my life. Esp when I was 5 yrs old and I asked him to come live inside me and take away my sins… all through a construction paper heart and my sunday school teacher. I’ve been in this race for over 20 years. And I’m not gonna stop. B/c in the end… it’s gonna be worth it all! It’s gonna be worth all the condemnation… B/c I choose Jesus! I choose God. And He will supply me with strength and faithfulness. Everyday… He supplies me with what I need.

I’m tired of trying to prove myself, of trying to be friends with people who don’t care. I’m tired of thinking things would be better if it were different. I’m tired of all the lies and gossip. I’m tired of it all… I’m running the race of God. Not of this world. Even in my erratic behavior… It’s God who made me the way I am. He made me to be a leader, a forerunner. And I’m ready.



I was intrigued by the melody of a song. And I found out the song was called We Found Love by Rihanna… so I checked it out. Needless to say… my creative flesh got in the way of what my conscience was saying… and now, I’m having to fix what I just saw and heard with Misty Edwards.

I’ve learned over the years that the Creative Flesh always has a way of pulling me or anyone to the wrong venue, and if we aren’t careful, we get stuck there. I’ve been very good about keeping my lustful venues out and trying my best to stay in the Word and in  Godly music, but the enemy always knows what catches me. He knows that I like melodic tunes. He has spent so much time on this earth that he knows just where each person will turn. It’s forever been a recurring thing.

So now, I’m sitting here listening to a song by Misty Edwards that says “Draw me away with you, Lord.” I definately need it, b/c of what I saw and heard… I need about 20 doses of Jesus! It’s so wierd how one little thing can capture your heart and turn you away from God! I’m learning. And sanctifying my soulish ways. I’m trying my best to heed the Word of the Lord. God has to grip my heart time and time again to keep me away from this world. And He does! He always does and has. The only thing is… are you gonna listen to Him? Am I gonna trust that He is the One that I need to follow? Even if I’ve been disappointed and disappointed… time and time again… I can never get away from God… b/c I fell in Love with Him when I was 5 and He’s all that’s ever mattered in my life!

There are some things that I will always like that are secular… but I can’t be drawn into the world and be corrupted to death. “The Devil comes to steal, kill and destroy,” as my father always told me. Once I let one thing in… another comes up… and my Creative flesh always wants something more creative! Only b/c my heart is Creative… and the more creative I am… the more I want. (I hope that makes sense!) We only crave what our soul longs for… and that’s more! Why not crave God!? Why not seek the things of Him? Only then can I really be free! And my Creative soul will be much more than my creative flesh.

So Lord.. Draw me away… again and again and again. I don’t need this world. I don’t need a good hopeless place to feel satisfied… I need you God! And only you!



It’s been so crazy lately… after I did the whole study myself on Adam and Eve… Everyone around me is talking about them! It’s crazy how God works. He is tryin to get his point across to people for intimacy with Him.

I was listening to the Passion fo Jesus conference this morning and Lou Engle spoke. He started talking about a book that’s called “The Window of the Soul” (which I am working on getting!) And from that book he read a passage where God went to the Garden of Eden in pursuit of Adam and Eve, even after they had sinned and were ashamed. God wanted them still. He wanted that close relationship with Adam and Eve just like He had it; but with sin in the way, man denied the relationship.

So God tries, throughout the whole Bible, to pursue a man who will have a relationship with Him, as Adam and Eve did. And He still does to this day! He Loves His people. God draws us thorugh His Word! He reaches to us through His word. We have to take off the “fig leaves of shame” and reach back to God! Whether it’s through writing, dance, poetry, art, painting, etc… when we reach to God through anything that we do, He reaches back.

When Lou was speaking, all I wanted to do was get back in the habit of being creative again. God does use creativity… for he is the Creative God! Who else can paint a sky like him? Who else can shape and mold a person with His bare hands to be magnificent, fearfully and wonderfully made? God gives us Passion for Jesus in so many ways… we just have to learn how we want to use them.

Just remember: the next time you’re reading your Bible, instead of thinking that it’s just words- think about the fact that there’s an Uncreated, Creative God, a living Being behind those words who is reaching for you. Talk to Him and He will talk back!

God give me Passion once again… Passion for Jesus!



Restoring Injured Relationships

Above is link to the video by Mike Bickle on Restoring Injured relationships….

Lately, it’s been a real battle with many relationships in my life. It’s frustrating.

As I was listening to this teaching, I could see places in my own heart that I needed to work on. And I could see the offense that I’ve had with so many people lately. It’s so easy to stay in a place of offense and be negative- only b/c it’s not the way of God’s Kingdom! It’s the earthly, fleshly way of this world. I could see in my life the ways that I’ve went and I know that many out of many times I’ve went the wrong way. But God is bigger than that… bigger than me… and he sees my heart. He knows that I want restoration in many of my relationships… but I just don’t know how to lay down my pride and go after them. And well, I guess I’m starting that right now! (And hopefully sticking with it!)

Mike was talking about relationships in a way of appealing to the other person when you are offended with them. He makes it known that when your heart is bruised by someone or you or offended with them, that you go to that person and appeal to them directly… and not someone else first. And that hit me home… it really did. I’ve been the one to go to someone else and just slander a person… and ruins my heart towards them. Mike talks about when you are hurt at someone and you talk negative about them to another person, you forget that you really liked that person. And then when you see them, you remember how much fun you had… or how much you actually liked being their friend, or even family.

Mike said for every negative comment or negative accusation- there needs to be 10 positive things that are said… And that one life event doesn’t help heal all broken wounds or bruises in the relationship. The only way that the relationship can be saved is if both parts work at it…  and the more they work at it… the greater it will be.

He talked about when goin to the other person and appealing to them; first thing is to understand that we are all self-centered and self-absorbed… that’s just the human race. We can’t think that we are perfect and “much older” and wiser to hurt someone… Anyone and everyone can hurt someone- Fathers to Children, Husband to Wives, Friends to Friends.

We just have to recognize the hurt, the bruised spirit, the woundedness and go after it. We have to tend to our hearts and the hearts of our friends like we would a garden. We can’t just think it will work out or let it go… and pretend like nothing ever happened. And we can’t buy their happiness, friendship, love… we have to understand forgiveness and let the hurt go. We have to talk it out and move on… anger and bitterness lead to death and destruction- where love and friendship lead to life!



“Sometimes people are guided by leaders who are dead to the things of this world, and who do not teach their followers to deny theirselves so that Christ might live in them. If you follow a human path you will turn aside from the true Way. You may jump from one spiritual guide to another and frequently change your beliefs without ever arriving to anything solid. The wander arises from a failure to listen to the sweet and clear voice of Jesus Christ.” -Jeanne Guyon

The Lord has really been having me focus on what I believe and not what others believe around me. It’s hard to grow up in this world trying to figure out what you believe. I have parents that have raised me in a Christian home and I still am trying to search out the deep things of God to find out what I believe.

All I know is what it says in Matthew… if it’s true let it be tested. For if it’s not, there will be no fruit behind it to satisfy. (rephrase of Matthew 7:15-20) And that’s the way it should be.

I can’t just go on what a leader says. B/c if I did, how can I ever build my relationship with the Lord the way that I need to. If I went to church all those years just b/c my parents dragged me there… then I wouldn’t be the christian woman that I am today. I had to really seek it out for myself and seek out the heart of God. I had to feel the Love of God for myself in order to believe it. And I did.

I learned the way to life everlasting. I learned about God and who He really is. I didn’t just take anyone’s word for who God is. It’s not the way that God works. He wants us to seek Him and find Him b/c that’s the way of true Love. If someone had of told me to just marry my husband without me seeking out my true feelings for him- it would’ve been a disaster! But b/c I sought out a relationship with him, I learned that I could love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him; and the same goes for God. We as the people have to search the length, the width, the height of God’s love in order to know it. Pastors and leaders are there (the true ones) to help shepherd and guide us in the right direction. They are there to help encourage us in the path to righteousness and teach us about the ways of God; but they aren’t the ones that we are supposed to “follow.”

Try not to wander away from the Lord by getting to caught up in the religiosity of church, b/c if you do, you will get lost. Follow God. He will be the only Way, the only Truth, and the only Life.  I’m not saying don’t go to church, I’m saying find a church with a leader that pushes you into God and doesn’t lead you astray. Find a leader who has God’s best interest at heart and not his own.