It’s been so hard for me lately. I’ve had so much bitterness and frustration in my heart. I’ve been so upset with the Lord and His will for my life. Sometimes I really think that He could do better, but then again I realize my selfishness. I can’t imagine losing anything in my life. There have been many instances in my life that I’ve just kept hidden and I haven’t been able to release any of it. Even though I’ve told people I’ve let it go- I haven’t. It’s been so irritating and horrible of me; but what else can I do? I’m human- aren’t we supposed to keep track of these things? -We aren’t. We can’t- for the sake of our life- we can’t, but we do.
I have been so tired lately. Physically, spiritually, and mentally. All I can think of are the friends I don’t have, the money I don’t have, the great relationships that I want and it’s all driven me to a place of desperation with a hardened heart. I just want to be FREE! FREE from what the enemy has stolen from me. I can’t even see straight and let others in my life. I’m so tired of seeing people that I love just ignore me and leave me out. I am in tears a lot just thinking about what I could have. I am just ready for something new. Somewhere I want to be. Somewhere where I can make it in life without my heart breaking.
So what makes me FREE!? Where can I go? Where can I hide? What can I do?… No one knows… They think I’m just a happy go lucky person with no problems. Really… I fake it. I’m a great con man. I can make everything in my life look fancy and wonderful- I have my tricks. I know the way around things. But it’s gotten me no where, except broken in my own complacency. I just wish that I could break it. But I can’t do it alone. I need help. Help from all of those that I feel invisible to. Help from all the ones that I love the most. Help from Jesus! God Help me!
Right now I’m listening to Matt Gilman’s “Every captive Free” and he sings- “And I will set every captive free, and you will be with me, you will be with me- For you are mine” and He sings that as Jesus saying it. God is saying that he will set every captive free, every life that has been stolen from the enemy.
It’s funny though- it seems like we hear the same thing over and over again. I do. I’ve heard it all my life. I’ve heard everything and anything that any pastor could say to help me. Trust me, I know what the Bible says. I get upset at the least when anyone tries to tell me what it says- only b/c I know. I can see where they are going. I just get mad and push them even farther away and accuse them of “preaching” at me. I’ve even been so frustrated to where I’ve told people not to talk about God in front of me that way.
But seriously. If you really want to be free… If I really want to and really need to be free- I have to really hear it! and learn from it. Those who take the counsel of the wise will be wise theirself. (My version of a Proverb) I’ve run from my wisdom. I’ve run from my life, even while asking God to set it straight. I’ve run from all of my friends and family, b/c of my brokeness and hurt. I’m tired of running. Tired of getting my feelings hurt every time I turn on the computer or my phone. Tired of getting myself wrapped up in the sin of worrying when it will get better. Tired of always making my life look so great and wonderful when it isn’t sometimes. Tired of aching and aching. My heart can only take so much.
So I have to let it go. Let it all go. Let those people go who have a piece of my heart. Let all of my wishes go that keep me hating God. I have to let my heart be free and red- full of lush and lovely things. Full of Love! No more blackness of sin or bitterness. I really need to get this out of my heart. I really need to get FREE! and just dance again! I just need to have a heart that is willing to let the Lord guide it. One that makes me happy. I can only do that through Jesus. The One and Only- The One who has carried all of my crap, all of my frustrations, all my heartache and tears, He’s the only one who really knows how I feel. No one in this world knows, except Him. No one. So I have to stop excpecting them to know, because they really don’t.
“And I’m dancing over you, I’m singing over you songs of deliverence, and I’m setting every captive free- for you will be with me, you will be with me- you are mine!!” -Matt Gilman “Every Captive Free”